Competition Among Women-spun4

Competition Among Women
Women appear to have a reputation for being "catty" and competitive with other women,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], unlike how men behave with other men. This is a curious notion, especially since women are in fact less competitive than men in the planet and less comfortable being competitive.
Exactly how should we seem sensible of the paradox?
Healthy competition and confidence are encouraged in boys but often seen as undesirable traits in girls. Team spirit and friendship supply the glue that strengthens and bonds men when competition prevails. Not surprisingly, men are typically confident with competition and find out winning being an essential area of the game, rarely feeling harmful to others following a victory, and looking after camaraderie with their buddies.
Because women learn that they are not said to be competitive and win at others expense, their natural competitive spirit cannot be shared openly, happily, as well as jokingly with other women. In such situations, when aggression cannot be channeled into a healthy, positive edge, it becomes inhibited and goes underground. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret sense of envy and desire for another to fail - laced with guilt and shame.
Thus, what appears like hostile competition between women may instead mask feelings of insecurity, anxiety about success, and healthy aggression. Women, often experts at being tuned in and sensitive to others' feelings, may easily overidentify along with other women's insecurities, projecting how they would feel in the other's shoes and then feeling bad about their very own success. Women learn how to feel guilty for feeling happy and successful with their friends who may not be having such luck, they might experience their very own success as hurtful to their friend. This can make it uncomfortable for a woman to talk about and revel in her accomplishments with her friends.
In a common example, women may feel uncomfortable or self-conscious discussing their dieting success or weight reduction with certain friends. They may even eat high-calorie foods they do not desire when with a friend who's struggling with her very own weight but having trouble being disciplined with food. In such situations, women may succumb to what they experience being an instinctive pressure to safeguard their friend in this way,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], sabotaging themselves but insulated from becoming the object of envy and resentment.
Interestingly, in friendships with men, where men and women in many cases are competing in different arenas,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], these issues of competition tend not to come up. Women don perceive men to be as vulnerable and sensitive as women, or threatened by success,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and are therefore freed up from worrying about their feelings in this way. Further, women seek approval from men and frequently rely on them to validate their desirability, creating an interpersonal context by which success and confidence are rewarded. (Observe that this "safer" dynamic with men pertains to platonic friendships but is more complicated in romantic relationships, where women may diminish themselves with their partners as they do with other women.)
Women often depend on the approval of others to feel better about themselves.
Women often look after people emotionally and rely on the approval of others to feel better about themselves. Women's fear of triumph over others can lead to keeping themselves down and even (conscious or unconscious) subversion. Reliance upon others to keep self-esteem creates a double bind, impeding women from embracing and taking advantage of their very own edge to be successful. Constrained by internal conflict and over-focus on others' reactions, many women endure the frustration to be not able to fulfill their true potential when it comes to aggression, sexuality,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and power.
Women's trepidation and ambivalence when confronted with their own strength and power often underlies their mistrust of the power of other women. Discomfort using their own power could make women alternate between inhibiting themselves to protect a female friend,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and feeling mistrustful and helpless in the face of another woman's perceived destructive power. Among this is when women whose husbands have had an affair blame another woman a lot more than they blame their spouse, holding the other woman more accountable - and seeing men as helpless within the grips of a desirable woman.
Autonomy can't be achieved when actions are based on fear, and with no self-protective capacity to experience anger and aggression, that are a part of drive. Having the ability to experience and utilize these states adaptively differs from acting them in hurtful ways. If women are terrified of aggression in themselves varieties, and threatened by success,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], their connection with themselves will be muted, resulting in depression. Just how can women feel comfortable with their own (along with other women's) drive and power, without feeling threatened or worrying that their very own success will hurt others?
Ladies who feel well informed within themselves are less susceptible to feeling threatened by,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or threatening to, their friends when confronted with success.
Good fortune, happiness and success can be used to help others and as a resource of inspiration.
Women can allow themselves to become separate and autonomous and still maintain close connections. A good example of this is giving oneself permission to be happy (or unhappy) even when another person is not,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
Feeling confident and whole involves allowing one self to know, accept and keep one's own inner experience without being reactive to the anticipated, imagined or perceived feelings of others.
Taking responsibility for a friend's feelings is different from being caring and empathic. Being over-protective in the expense of your self weakens relationships by leading to an insidious sense of burden and resentment, passive aggressive behavior, or withdrawal.
Competition doesn't have to become dangerous or hurtful but could be motivating and permit for healthy sublimation of aggression. Sports can be useful for this.
A proper balance of competition and compassion means allowing oneself to do well and embrace an optimistic sense of empowerment and strength yet still time caring about friends' feelings and supporting them in their own growth.
Dr. Lynn Margolies is a psychologist and former Harvard School of medicine faculty and fellow, and has completed her internship and post-doc at McLean Hospital. She has helped people from all avenues of life with relationship, family, life problems, trauma, and psychological symptoms including depression, anxiety,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and chronic conditions. Dr. Margolies has worked in inpatient, outpatient, residential and practice settings. She's supervised others, and consulted to clinics, hospitals, universities, newspapers. Dr. Margolies has appeared in media -- on news and talk shows, and written columns for a number of publications. Dr. Margolies happens to be in private practice in Newton Centre, MA. InterdependencyThe Care and Upkeep of FriendshipHow to Heal from Infidelity
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