The slimmer Kirsty Blake Knox

The slimmer Kirsty Blake Knox
Naturally, everyone who witnessed the attack was disturbed by the sickening violence. This included my friend Tom,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], a media consultant from Queens, who recounted the story to me over coffee, one cold Saturday morning. To add insult to injury,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Tom continued, the neighbourhood bars were not treating the incident with the respect it deserved. One Mexican restaurant -- Senor Swankys -- had even introduced a new shot to commemorate the incident. It was called The Neck Wound, and, according to Tom, was made of Caramel Baileys, Amaretto, whipped cream and grenadine. "Oh my God," I muttered in shock and disbelief, "Baileys, Amaretto AND whipped cream! Can you imagine how many calories there are in that?"
Tom looked at me with a mixture of confusion, pity and disgust. I had inadvertently revealed an underlying attitude towards food, the foundations of which were laid down when I was just 10 years old.
I was then in Fourth Class, and, one day,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], was getting changed for PE. For some reason, I made an inane comment about the colour of one girl's sneakers. She looked me up and down for a moment, and then shouted across the room: "Well, at least I don't have breasts!" I like to think that I was pretty good at comebacks even back then,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but, on this occasion, I was left speechless.
The room erupted with raucous laughter, and I spent the rest of the year changing in a toilet cubicle. It may seem like a ridiculous taunt but, at the time, I felt utterly humiliated. I had started puberty before anyone else in my year, which was a little uncomfortable for me. But this was the first time that I became fully conscious of my own physical appearance. To be more precise, it was the first time I became self-conscious of my own appearance. Since that day, I have always been aware of what I eat.
I suppose that I fit most of the criteria for a potential victim of an eating disorder. I'm young,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], white, middleclass, female, well-educated, and I always like to feel in control. And, of course,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I am not alone. All my friends are equally concerned about their bodies. We all watch what we eat, using a variety of check lists. These range from the relatively minor inconvenience of constant calorie-counting,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], to more extreme measures such as only eating alone in front of a mirror -- naked. Obsession with weight is so prevalent among my friends that some of them were anorexic throughout secondary school. I went on to study drama at college, where an eating disorder was practically a course requirement.
In any case, we all grew up in a society where the media also seems preoccupied by the issue of female weight. I'm not blaming anyone -- I share in that obsession. I love discussing Kate Moss's hip measurements,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or Gisele's cleavage -- how is she so thin yet so curvy? -- or Jennifer Aniston's success on the Atkins diet. My detailed knowledge of nutrition comes from a close reading of the pages of Heat magazine.
My anxieties about food have worsened over the past two months. I have worked both as an intern for a broadway casting director, and as a development assistant for a TV company in Manhattan. This has meant that I have had to attend many auditions. Believe me when I tell you that a career on stage or TV can be launched, or frustrated,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], by the size of a waistline. To put it crudely, anyone who auditions for a role on The Great White Way and is more than 9 and a half stone is automatically only considered as a character actor. I saw one actress who had real talent. She was 5ft 10in, and weighed close to 10 stone. The casting director passed me a note, which condemned her in just six words: "Too big. Too fat. Too gross."
In the world of reality TV, diet shows and weight-related contests are constantly in demand: Fat Camp, You are What You Eat and SuperFat Vs Superskinny receive consistently high ratings. The desire to connect issues of weight to just about anything else seems unabated. I'm currently working on a show called It's Not over Till the Fat Lady Slims, which combines a talent show with a dieting contest. Think The X Factor meets Operation Transformation. I'm not kidding.
At the moment, I'm also living in a city that seems filled with neurotic and compulsive weight-watchers. In New York,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they say it's impossible to be too rich or too thin. Even I feel like an amateur in this company. I recently overheard a woman in a sports bar order a White Russian made with one per cent skimmed milk,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and a Mojito made from Sweet 'N Low. Hearing this, I felt strangely grounded, even reckless,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], when I asked for vodka, Diet Coke.
All things considered,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I suppose it's quite predictable that I'm constantly aware of my weight and watch what I eat. It affects just about every aspect of my life, and,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], although it's completely politically incorrect to admit this, I love being slim. I don't want to gain more pounds. I like being able to wear high-waisted mini skirts, and oversized shirts as dresses. I adore having a cinched waist and slender ankles. I don't want to change that. People like Tom tend to dislike these open admissions -- in some people's eyes, it's like confessing to fascist sympathies -- so I try to keep my feelings to myself.
Around my girlfriends, however, I can relax. After all, they seem to share the same interest. In fact, I have found that the people who most stridently deny being concerned about their weight are invariably the ones who turn out to be the most consumed by it. I may count calories, but at least I'm aware of it, and,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], for me, that makes a world of difference. It may seem like a small victory, but it's a victory nonetheless. I think that helps to keep me this side of neurosis. It also enables me to work in an industry that is obsessed with female thinness -- without losing sight of myself.
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