A needless survey of curmudgeons

A needless survey of curmudgeons
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Forget Global Warming,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Stop worrying about the rainforests and the Great Spotted Owls. We have an endangered species right here at home,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. The great American curmudgeon.
The ranks of bona fide codgers, cantankerous misanthropes,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], grumps and other churlish citizens are thinning. Sure, we have Andy Rooney. But he 91 years old. How many more years of irascibility can we possibly expect?
Here my incomplete list of curmudgeons. It doesn include Homer Simpson dad or Mitch McConnell. I have selected them with care evaluating them on the proprietary BakerMuse curmudgeon scale.
The curmudgeon typically is an older man with loose fitting dentures, a sharp tongue and a variety of ailments out of the 19th century like carbuncles and lumbago. Surprisingly, he has a fondness for Polka music and Marlene Dietrich movies.
In the painful pantheon of worldclass curmudgeons, Wilfred Brimley is the undisputed King. If you haven heard the name, you know the face. His signature is the a mustache that is a shorter, more albinolike version of the classic Yosemite Sam. If you moved Andy Rooney eyebrows to the upper lip, you have the Brimley.
He basically plays the same irascible codger whether it in The Thing, Cocoon, or The Firm. Lately, he can found sitting on top of a sagging horse selling diabetic supplies. I got so nervous I bought the supplies and I wasn even diabetic.
A presidential candidate in 1992,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], H. Ross is the chameleon of curmudgeons. He got the all irascible traits, but it packaged with a welltailored suit and occasional bolo tie. He the bantam rooster of curmudgeons. Where Ross shines is his down home Dr. Philish conversational style something like can put powdered sugar on manure but that doesn make it a donut. Or Texarkana, who ate the burrito? Somebody has passed more gas than a Nascar pit crew.
These are two ornery, disagreeable old men who appear in balcony seats heckling whoever is on stage. These artful codgers have hair coming out of their ears and what appears to be bad dentures or in Waldorf's case no teeth at all. Statler and Waldorf are the curmudgeons of the Muppet world second only to Jeff Dunham Walter.
Here are some of their retorts:
Statler: Nope,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], they ALL bad!
Statler: I wonder if there really is life on another planet.
Waldorf: Why do you care? You don have a life on this one?
Milton Berle: I not funny? I want you know that I been a comedian half my life.
Waldorf: Why did we get this half?
The permanent snarl says it all. Obviously,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], this is not a man who listens to Olivia Newton John classic You Ever Been Mellow. His actual name is Richard Bruce Cheney. Nobody quite knows why stuck. The only person who isn completely afraid of the former Vice President is Wilfred Brimley.
By the way, If I go missing after this blog is published, please put Cheney and Perot and the two angry Muppets on the suspect list.
When I was an just a toddler, I was only afraid of two people. One was Margaret Hamilton (AKA The Wicked Witch of the West) and Uncle Charlie from My Three Sons. Think of him as the love child of Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies and Dick Cheney. I see him and I begin to hyperventilate, my knuckles go white and my palms rush the same feeling I got at my wedding.
He was the cantankerous livein nanny/cook for the three sons. I sorry, was Leona Queen of Mean Helmsley not available? Was Freddy Kruger otherwise engaged? Where Leo G. Carroll when you need him. Frankly, when I see an older sourfaced man in an apron, I get a tad nervous.
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